Hello, Ma!

Family

“Hello, ma.”
“We think of you as a foolish girl.”
“Helloo, ma.”
“Plus, we do not like you very well.”
“Hi, ma.”
“Hello, ma!”
But if we pretend, you’ll never tell.
“Hello, ma.”
Listen to the silent ways we yell.
“Helloo, ma.”
“Have a seat in this fake-love cell.”
“Hi, ma.”
“Hello, ma!”
“And welcome, to Hell.”

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Bitter-Sweet

How can a yang be a yin?
How?
How can a thing that ought to heal, hurt?
How can a thing that ought to help you walk,
and better still,
give you wings,
keep you in chains,
and make you weak?
How?
How can a thing that ought to give you life
take your breath?
How can a feeling
be the opposite of itself,
when unrequited?
A thing so sweet and tender,
like a newborn baby,
but strong enough
to put you in a chokehold
when you least expect it?

Love, delicate and dangerous.

Dear Actress, Stop Playing “Girlfriend”

cropped-aderonkeeeeeeeI was recently discussing with one of my acquaintances on Instagram, and we, both being sensitive healers, knew what we were talking about in detail- we didn’t have to use too many words. Attracting “wounded”, “whoever you end up with will be lucky”, “I am forever indebted to you for all your help”, commitment-phobic men, isn’t one of the perks of being a natural helper/healer. It’s worse when you fall in love with your patient too, while waiting for them to heal and make up their mind about you soon. You keep being friends, but act like you are dating, without mutually agreeing to be friends with benefits, most times. Sisters, stop being so passive; the heartbreak, when reality sets in, would be so unbearable.

That a man is single and treats you like a girlfriend doesn’t make you his girlfriend. Look, I repeat, that a man is single, and treats you like a girlfriend, doesn’t make you his girlfriend. If a man wants to have phone sex or physical sex with you, send you kiss emojis or kiss you, if he wants to put you in charge of several things in his life, but suddenly withdraws and makes you feel like a huge pain in the neck when you (want to) ask about who you are to him, what’s really going on, or they go ahead to say you are a friend [and nothing more, in case you didn’t already figure that out], sis, that is not your future husband, snap out of it.

It is not your job to heal a man who has been heartbroken in the past; don’t be the sacrifical lamb for his healing. Consider the other people that seem to be in love with you; don’t tell yourself you are in a love relationship because you are not. This is funny to say though, because you are almost never in love with people who are seriously in love with you- we sometimes choose to act like we are, while hoping that we would come to love them as much as they love us at some point.

If you have been in this kind of situation, in the distant or recent past, don’t expect to stop loving him (or her) “that way” as soon as you choose to; it’s not going to happen. Be prepared to stick with it for as long as it takes. Turn your pain or frustration into art; it always helps. Write, sing, play, make new friends, learn how to play a musical instrument, try new things. Don’t shut your heart to love; if someone isn’t in love with you, if they aren’t interested in loving you like you want to be loved, PLEASE LET SOMEONE ELSE LOVE YOU! Don’t let this experience make you bitter and hard-hearted.

My Chiron and Pallas are conjunct my North Node in the 8th house, if you are into astrology, and it’s my destiny to deal with pain, death, transformation, and rebirth, and be a helper to others in whatever capacity that I choose. You may deal with a depression, or a depression of sorts, while still going about your business as usual, but don’t fight back the tears when you feel them coming, and don’t hesitate to help other people, if you are like me, as it aids your healing.

Also, if it’s your destiny, you’d attract people who are hurt, and whether or not you are completely healed and over it yourself, don’t doubt your ability to make people feel better. Love, when unrequited, is a killer, and it’s up to you to choose to be immortal. Light and love!

The Seniors/Elders in the Rider-Waite Tarot

There are only 4 seniors/elders in the Rider-Waite deck. I have a soft spot for elders, I have Saturn in my natal 1st house, and I’m not surprised that I intentionally chose to seek out the old in my deck.

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The first man is Baba Arugbo- the Emperor. I like to call him O̩bàtálá because he shares very significant characteristics with the father of the “òrìs̩à”s. He is wise, and he is a good leader/ruler. There are several lessons to learn from him, including his courage, sense of judgement, and wisdom. If one is too big to serve, one is too small to lead; a good leader is a servant.

If you look behind his throne, there’s a small, blue stream that runs behind him. This tells me that although he is logical, methodical, disciplined, dedicated, and meticulous, he is not heartless. He is an experienced and balanced person, and a balance between one’s thoughts and emotions is necessary when one is in a position of power/authority. 

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The second is The Hermit. This is an elder who probably lives alone, or has a place where he likes to go/sit alone in order to ponder on some things- the kind that you’d frequently visit or call for words of wisdom/advice. He is a writer too, and Baba Wole Soyinka/Araba Ifayemi Elebuibon always come to my mind whenever I see him. He is a wise sage, a knowledgable man, a seer. He is analytical and insightful, and unlike The Fool that he was when he was younger, when he was seeking to explore everything and anything, he has a decent sense of direction, and a desire to not just spread his knowledge but acquire more. He is a life-long learner.

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The third is the old man in the 10 of Pentacles, sitting by the corner. The cloak that he’s wearing tells me who he is- The King of Pentacles! He spent almost all his life gathering up his luxury/wealth, and him being included in the 10 of Pentacles tells me that he had a lot to do with the wealth that the nuclear family in the image has- he has a lot of possessions that his generations would continue to inherit.

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Something tells me that he was once dirt-poor [5 of Pentacles], and perhaps, the woman he loved left him for a wealthier man. I think of it as slightly similar to a Fitzgerald’s “Great Gatsby” situation, but not necessarily- his situation was not as sad in the end, as we can see. You have to forgive me, I’m Neptunian; I may be totally wrong.

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I don’t think the King of Pentacles was born rich though. This is a man that had to work himself silly to become a King.

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The 6 of Pentacles indicates that he tried to beg but he didn’t receive; he was not fairly or humanely treated by the self-righteous person he was asking for help from. He tried his hands on certain things that did not work out or yield the kind of results that he hoped for; he went through frustrations- 7 of Pentacles. He contemplated on what to do next, and he began the business that made him wealthy- 8 of Pentacles. There’s a smile in the 8 of Pentacles; it’s so heartwarming.

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The woman wearing red in the 10 of Pentacles is the one in the 3 of Cups- she’s Fitzgerald’s Daisy and Adichie’s Kosi- as long as she’s married to a rich man and she has a life of luxury, she’s good. She’s not the King of Pentacles’ daughter; she’s the one the King’s son married.

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The fourth, the one I worry about, is the old woman in the 9 of Swords. She is filled with regret, as you can see. She’s not really depressed to me, as much as I would like to go with other interpretations and state that she is; at this point, it’s not really an emotional thing. Depression seems like a ready-made, go-to answer for what’s going on, but it isn’t depression. When I look at the 5 of Cups and the 9 of Swords, I see vast differences. For the 9 of Swords, this isn’t really an emotional thing as much as it is a mental thing.

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She is sitting upright with her face in her palms, and she has a flowery [roses] blanket that indicates desire, so she’s okay right now, but she’s sad about a past occurrence that probably involved the unfulfillment of a desire or two. To understand the present, one has to look to the past. At a point, she lived a very restricted/limited life- 8 of Swords.

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Why? Well, let’s examine the card before the 8 of Swords. The 7 of Swords had something to do with it. He’s holding 5 Swords and leaving 2. He’s manipulative/secretly doing something/winning in his game, and leaving the 2 of Swords to believe their truth- hold their swords to their chest and refuse to see the light/reality [in the negative sense]. The bed the old lady is sitting on has a wood etching of someone being slain by a sword, and this confirms that someone did her wrong in the past.

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After a major separation that I had with someone, that I now know was for my own good, I used to be the 9 of Swords. I would wake up in the middle of the night from stressful dreams/have flashbacks. I would wish that I did not do certain things when I did them, or wish that I had, when I should have done them. At that time, I would see the other person in my dreams, and in those dreams, I would try, for a long time, to make them look into my eyes, but to no avail. 

For this old lady, it could have been domestic violence, or being lied to, or being extorted, or being emotionally and mentally manipulated, or being made to feel inferior so someone else could have the upper hand.  This old lady wishes she had known then, what she now knows. All in all, it indicates unfulfilled desires, desires for love, desires for winning in life, desires for happiness, satisfaction, and contentment. 

The Passover

He looked like every other angel of birth,
but he was an angel of death,
He looked like every other angel of berth,
but he was an angel of dearth.
He would make you moan in pleasure
so he could make you groan in pain.
I had been warned by his ex-prey,
and I was prepared to drive him insane.
I sprinkled the blood of his victims
on my door,
and in my eyes,
and in my ears,
and on my lips,
and on his head.
“You can’t kill me like you did them.
You have tried in vain, lame.”
He passed right over me,
and he never called me again.

Unre-QUIT-ed IX

Love is a Cave:
I am in love,
but I am in it alone,
I am not in love with you,
and it hurts me to the soul
each time you remind me
that I am in love,
but you are not in it with me.

What is Love? III: A Cage

a_bird_in_a_cage_by_sebowebo-d5esu3r

“A Bird in a Cage” | Sebastian Gomez 

Dear Love,
why don’t you love me?
Why do you like to punish me?
You possess and drain my strength,
but you let the other go scot-free.
When I am in you
and when I am not,
when you are in me
and when you are not,
I am always lonely.

Unre-QUIT-ed VIII

“I don’t feel the same way about you.”
“I don’t feel the same way…”
“I don’t feel the same…”
“I don’t feel…”

There you are!

Feeling all things and everything
so intensely about a person
in the deepest parts of your soul,
losing the strength to be alone,
trying really hard to be whole,
and they “don’t feel” any of it.

Nothing hurts more.

Unre-QUIT-ed VII

He never expressed it;
he imprisoned the love he had for me.
Sometimes, it would try to escape
through his mouth,
but he would swallow it again.
At other times,
it would try to escape through his hands,
but he would pull them back.
After a while, he could not
hide it from his eyes;
I could see the love in his eyes.
He would shut them tight and look away,
and when he looked back at me,
I would see the imprisoned love again-
begging for freedom,
asking for help,
screaming my name…

Dead Love III

They didn’t fall out of love with you.

Love itself is a paradise-like pit;
where else can anyone possibly fall into
if they fall out?

They climbed out of the love you shared
without you.

You felt their footsteps;
you just chose to ignore it,
or get used to their struggling to get out,
while convincing yourself that they were
drawing closer to you.

Perhaps, you simply watched them leave
because there was nothing you could do.
Someone was helping them get out;
a paradise-like pit had been dug,
an old, slightly-covered one,
or a new one, out of the blue,
and you never knew.