Loyalty is Not “Not Cheating”

loy·al·ty
ˈloiəltē/
noun
  1. the quality of being loyal to someone or something.
    “her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
    • a strong feeling of support or allegiance.
      plural noun: loyalties
      “fights with in-laws are distressing because they cause divided loyalties

“I pledge to Nigeria my country. To be faithful, loyal…”

I am loyal to Nigeria but I am not in Her. I have not, and will never, renounce Her as my home country, or do anything to hurt Her, but again, I am not in Her. I’m going to use this as an analogy for what I’m about to discuss- the concept of loyalty in relationships.

The term “loyal” or “loyalty” doesn’t really do justice to what people expect in relationships, in the sense that, they expect their partner or significant other to show them firm and constant support- which is as far as the dictionary meaning of “loyalty” goes, but they do not expect that partner to show firm and constant support to anyone else that is marriageable (especially), whether or not the support their partner is offering involves activities that are sexual.

So, even if you feel your* lady is talking too much with a man, or your* man is spending too much time with a woman, whether or not it conflicts with the love that she has for you, how much he cares for you, and how fast her heart beats for you, the term that comes to your mind is “disloyalty”, although it really isn’t, because nothing has changed about how much she or he is dedicated to the relationship that you share.

You can be loyal to a country you don’t live in. You can be loyal to a friend and still have other friends. You wouldn’t chat your friend’s private business to the other friend(s) or leave the first friendship, or withdraw your support, and that would be loyalty.

Family

I don’t know if you’re following me here, but what I’m saying is, there has to be a firmer word, something stricter than “loyalty” or “faithfulness”, because they do not insist that the qualities they contain have to be restricted to one person, and one person alone. 

Even “cheating” is meh, because a love relationship is not a game or an examination. It’s an (ideally) voluntary union of two people. They don’t get marks for it or win medals for it, so even the term “cheating” is “reaching”.

Now, before you think of me as the advocate of everything you detest, I am only stating that the words are not powerful enough to encompass the STRICT BINDING, which would be more accurate, that most people expect in relationships. Even asides religious and cultural expectations, does love come with sole possession? Does “I love you” automatically equal “I love only you” to you? What exactly is it that leads to hurt feelings when a third party is involved? My best guess is that when we get vulnerable, since true love (requited or not) makes us somewhat vulnerable, we want a kind of “ownership”, possession of sorts, to whoever it is we’ve gotten vulnerable with. 

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She Suffers: The Woman Proposed

Yesterday, you braced yourself.
With all the courage that you had,
you told them how you really felt,
and what all your affection meant.

Today, they told you that they loved you;
they’ve shown you life and it’s brand new.
They’ve come to make your dark sky blue;
there’s nothing, for them, that you wouldn’t do.

Tomorrow, you’re going to have a fight;
the things they’ll say are going to hurt you.
If you threaten to leave if they don’t change,
they’ll react in a way that you’ll find strange.
The words they’ll say will be quite true,
“I didn’t come to you first,
I didn’t want you.”

Wild Thoughts

Make me your trinity:
Treat me like your mum;
listen to me and respect me.
Treat me like your best friend;
talk to me and trust me.
Treat me like your baby;
love me and pamper me.

Dead Love

womanShe always had to ask if he loved her, and he often replied with a “yeah, yeah, love you, sure I do. Why do you keep asking?”

She was looking for the Àjọkẹ́, s’ó n gbọ́ mi? Mo nífẹ̀ẹ́ rẹ. The I am in love with you that was often said with a soft voice and a pleading gaze; it was what she was used to, what she had taken for granted. It was what she really wanted.

She hated herself for hurting a man who used to declare his love for her ever so often, sometimes with tears in his eyes, because he did so. 


There could be two different men in this piece, or just one man [the same man], depending on how you choose to interpret it.

How Does He Treat You?

“ooooOOOh, we’re breathing hard. It must be love.” 

Any man can skillfully undress you; it’s not that hard to do. You should be with a man who doesn’t only desire to hurriedly take your clothes off- a man who puts effort into helping you get dressed too.

You should be with a man who doesn’t only enjoy watching you get naked, but enjoys watching you get dressed just as much.

Typical Excuses:
“You know he’s a Capricorn. They don’t really like to be vulnerable and they don’t have time for affection and love.”
😂
I have a whole Saturn in my 1st house and that’s not true; it’s bullshit.

_________________________

“He’s a melancholic. They usually don’t text back, so it’s okay if he ignores my texts for a week.”
😆
Poppycock.

_________________________

“They are highly choleric in the family that he’s from. I made him angry so it’s okay if he punches me. To be honest, I deserve it, because he loves me. I can’t lose him now, where will I start from?”
😐
Ummm…no.

_________________________

“My grandmother’s aunty’s cousin’s husband’s sister’s nephew told me that some men menstruate. Maybe he’s menstruating at this time, he’s irritable, and he needs to vent his anger on me.”
😧
For 6 months straight? Definitely, you are not okay.

_________________________

“He is my rock and my pillar; he takes good care of me. He was not always like this and I know he will change. Maybe I am relaxing and I need to do better for him; I need to buy ‘sukura’ [an aphrodisiac] for us.”
😟
Ha! Aunty mi, they’ve finally exchanged your common sense and destiny for a bowl of pap at Obalende. Won ti fi oko gba opolo lowo yin– you’re definitely dickmatized.

_________________________

“If a man looks down on you, talks down to you, and scolds you, he loves you, he is protecting you, and he is doing what’s best for your growth. There are many girls that want to be where you are, and if he has chosen you, be grateful and do what’s right by him.”
😫
Aunty mi, ewo oro enu yin gatagata bi eyín iya olobi. Olorun, won ti n ba mi seyin se [you are under spiritual attack].

My Mind= Field | My Feelings= Ball

Falling in love with fire,
an obsessive, compulsive liar,
was the most exhausting thing
that I had ever done
since the very minute
that I was born.

He would say,
‘Air, you need to come on stronger
if you want to have me.”
So, I would give him more air,
and we would start a fire right there.

Then he would say,
“woah, this is too much for me;
you’re going to blow me out.
If you don’t leave me be for as long as I need,
you will go many days without.”
So, of course, I would withdraw,
until our fire was no more.
It made my soul so sore.

Extremely hot,
extremely cold.
Extremely fickle,
nothing to mold.
Extremely mean,
no heart to hold.
I never told him off;
I was never so bold.

The African Woman’s Dilemma

25555648_1538370519611644_756203203_n1. “You shouldn’t restrict a man’s sense of freedom; you have to let him explore if he chooses to. You can’t be possessive of men; they are not built that way.”

 

2. “He has been seen in hotels several times with different women. It’s such a shame that his wife can’t keep a man.” 

Objectivity

Don’t inherit someone else’s enemy/enemies as a sign of loyalty. 

If you know your friend is wrong, speak up and tell them the truth, while standing by them. If you inherit someone else’s enemies, and I’m writing from experience, you will be surprised when the concerned parties reconcile and leave you out in the deep, looking daft…

Love Can Now See; He Wants Everything.

"Bouquet' by an unknown artist

Love is not blind anymore;
I worry about the things he can see.
He does not want to talk some more;
he wants me in bed on three.
I consciously mask my imperfections
so he’ll choose and stay with me.
He says my boobs and butt are small;
I think about increasing them by three.
Our boat is on rough seas
but all he wants to do is flee.

He says he wants freedom, 
and she’s not me.


Requited lust.
Unrequited love.
It’s interesting how the lines between love and lust have been skewed.

I’ve Carried Me for Years, My Darling

In a world were most of us, eggs,
have been taken away from our innocence,
removed from the bosoms of our mothers,
placed outside our crates
and forced to harden up,
I want to remain as I am, as I was,
in this terribly hot conditions.
Why don’t you remain raw with me, my darling?

Although we’ve been terribly hurt,
I’ll roll to you,
and you’ll roll to me,
and when we do,
we’ll close our eyes and
swim in each other’s insides,
roll in each other’s albumen,
bungee jump on each other’s yolks.

Do you remember how you felt
the first time you were in love?
I beg you to let me love you.
I’m not going to hurt you;
I don’t want to.
Look into my eyes.
Can’t you tell that I terribly love you?
Why don’t you be vulnerable too?