Hello, Ma!

Family

“Hello, ma.”
“We think of you as a foolish girl.”
“Helloo, ma.”
“Plus, we do not like you very well.”
“Hi, ma.”
“Hello, ma!”
But if we pretend, you’ll never tell.
“Hello, ma.”
Listen to the silent ways we yell.
“Helloo, ma.”
“Have a seat in this fake-love cell.”
“Hi, ma.”
“Hello, ma!”
“And welcome, to Hell.”

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Bitter-Sweet

How can a yang be a yin?
How?
How can a thing that ought to heal, hurt?
How can a thing that ought to help you walk,
and better still,
give you wings,
keep you in chains,
and make you weak?
How?
How can a thing that ought to give you life
take your breath?
How can a feeling
be the opposite of itself,
when unrequited?
A thing so sweet and tender,
like a newborn baby,
but strong enough
to put you in a chokehold
when you least expect it?

Love, delicate and dangerous.

Dear Actress, Stop Playing “Girlfriend”

cropped-aderonkeeeeeeeI was recently discussing with one of my acquaintances on Instagram, and we, both being sensitive healers, knew what we were talking about in detail- we didn’t have to use too many words. Attracting “wounded”, “whoever you end up with will be lucky”, “I am forever indebted to you for all your help”, commitment-phobic men, isn’t one of the perks of being a natural helper/healer. It’s worse when you fall in love with your patient too, while waiting for them to heal and make up their mind about you soon. You keep being friends, but act like you are dating, without mutually agreeing to be friends with benefits, most times. Sisters, stop being so passive; the heartbreak, when reality sets in, would be so unbearable.

That a man is single and treats you like a girlfriend doesn’t make you his girlfriend. Look, I repeat, that a man is single, and treats you like a girlfriend, doesn’t make you his girlfriend. If a man wants to have phone sex or physical sex with you, send you kiss emojis or kiss you, if he wants to put you in charge of several things in his life, but suddenly withdraws and makes you feel like a huge pain in the neck when you (want to) ask about who you are to him, what’s really going on, or they go ahead to say you are a friend [and nothing more, in case you didn’t already figure that out], sis, that is not your future husband, snap out of it.

It is not your job to heal a man who has been heartbroken in the past; don’t be the sacrifical lamb for his healing. Consider the other people that seem to be in love with you; don’t tell yourself you are in a love relationship because you are not. This is funny to say though, because you are almost never in love with people who are seriously in love with you- we sometimes choose to act like we are, while hoping that we would come to love them as much as they love us at some point.

If you have been in this kind of situation, in the distant or recent past, don’t expect to stop loving him (or her) “that way” as soon as you choose to; it’s not going to happen. Be prepared to stick with it for as long as it takes. Turn your pain or frustration into art; it always helps. Write, sing, play, make new friends, learn how to play a musical instrument, try new things. Don’t shut your heart to love; if someone isn’t in love with you, if they aren’t interested in loving you like you want to be loved, PLEASE LET SOMEONE ELSE LOVE YOU! Don’t let this experience make you bitter and hard-hearted.

My Chiron and Pallas are conjunct my North Node in the 8th house, if you are into astrology, and it’s my destiny to deal with pain, death, transformation, and rebirth, and be a helper to others in whatever capacity that I choose. You may deal with a depression, or a depression of sorts, while still going about your business as usual, but don’t fight back the tears when you feel them coming, and don’t hesitate to help other people, if you are like me, as it aids your healing.

Also, if it’s your destiny, you’d attract people who are hurt, and whether or not you are completely healed and over it yourself, don’t doubt your ability to make people feel better. Love, when unrequited, is a killer, and it’s up to you to choose to be immortal. Light and love!

Loyalty is Not “Not Cheating”

loy·al·ty
ˈloiəltē/
noun
  1. the quality of being loyal to someone or something.
    “her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
    • a strong feeling of support or allegiance.
      plural noun: loyalties
      “fights with in-laws are distressing because they cause divided loyalties

“I pledge to Nigeria my country. To be faithful, loyal…”

I am loyal to Nigeria but I am not in Her. I have not, and will never, renounce Her as my home country, or do anything to hurt Her, but again, I am not in Her. I’m going to use this as an analogy for what I’m about to discuss- the concept of loyalty in relationships.

The term “loyal” or “loyalty” doesn’t really do justice to what people expect in relationships, in the sense that, they expect their partner or significant other to show them firm and constant support- which is as far as the dictionary meaning of “loyalty” goes, but they do not expect that partner to show firm and constant support to anyone else that is marriageable (especially), whether or not the support their partner is offering involves activities that are sexual.

So, even if you feel your* lady is talking too much with a man, or your* man is spending too much time with a woman, whether or not it conflicts with the love that she has for you, how much he cares for you, and how fast her heart beats for you, the term that comes to your mind is “disloyalty”, although it really isn’t, because nothing has changed about how much she or he is dedicated to the relationship that you share.

You can be loyal to a country you don’t live in. You can be loyal to a friend and still have other friends. You wouldn’t chat your friend’s private business to the other friend(s) or leave the first friendship, or withdraw your support, and that would be loyalty.

Family

I don’t know if you’re following me here, but what I’m saying is, there has to be a firmer word, something stricter than “loyalty” or “faithfulness”, because they do not insist that the qualities they contain have to be restricted to one person, and one person alone. 

Even “cheating” is meh, because a love relationship is not a game or an examination. It’s an (ideally) voluntary union of two people. They don’t get marks for it or win medals for it, so even the term “cheating” is “reaching”.

Now, before you think of me as the advocate of everything you detest, I am only stating that the words are not powerful enough to encompass the STRICT BINDING, which would be more accurate, that most people expect in relationships. Even asides religious and cultural expectations, does love come with sole possession? Does “I love you” automatically equal “I love only you” to you? What exactly is it that leads to hurt feelings when a third party is involved? My best guess is that when we get vulnerable, since true love (requited or not) makes us somewhat vulnerable, we want a kind of “ownership”, possession of sorts, to whoever it is we’ve gotten vulnerable with. 

Test Your Love on Yourself First

Portrait of a Girl by Akinola Lasekan

Painted by A. Lasekan

Test your love on yourself first
before you offer it to someone else.
How can your body and soul
completely give out something that
they don’t even really have?

Are you saving all your love for someone,
for someone else,
that is not you,
without saving some of your love,
not even some,
for yourself?

Let’s Give the Sky a Show

I bet the members of the firmament 
always wonder what we do indoors
after we leave the courtyard each night.
Let me make love to you here tonight
before their very eyes.
Let’s make the moon shine brighter in shock,
and give the stars something different to twinkle about.

You’re My Love

If love had a taste,
it would taste like you.
If love had a smell,
it would smell like you.
If love could smile,
it would, like you.
If love could laugh,
it would, like you.
If love could cry,
it would, like you.
The shape of your eyes
is the shape of love.
I love you because
you are Love;
my heart chose you.

You’re My Home

I breathe easier when I think of you.
I feel better when I talk to you.
I beam all day when I dream of you.
I find refuge and strength in you.

Out of Reach

The stars have remained special
because they live in the sky,
far away from our touch.
If they lived in the sand,
we would mistreat them 
and kick them around,
and they would mean nothing to us-
nothing more than mere stones.
We would get too used to them,
and we would not appreciate them.

I should have stayed out of your reach.

Unre-QUIT-ed IX

Love is a Cave:
I am in love,
but I am in it alone,
I am not in love with you,
and it hurts me to the soul
each time you remind me
that I am in love,
but you are not in it with me.