Dear Actress, Stop Playing “Girlfriend”

cropped-aderonkeeeeeeeI was recently discussing with one of my acquaintances on Instagram, and we, both being sensitive healers, knew what we were talking about in detail- we didn’t have to use too many words. Attracting “wounded”, “whoever you end up with will be lucky”, “I am forever indebted to you for all your help”, commitment-phobic men, isn’t one of the perks of being a natural helper/healer. It’s worse when you fall in love with your patient too, while waiting for them to heal and make up their mind about you soon. You keep being friends, but act like you are dating, without mutually agreeing to be friends with benefits, most times. Sisters, stop being so passive; the heartbreak, when reality sets in, would be so unbearable.

That a man is single and treats you like a girlfriend doesn’t make you his girlfriend. Look, I repeat, that a man is single, and treats you like a girlfriend, doesn’t make you his girlfriend. If a man wants to have phone sex or physical sex with you, send you kiss emojis or kiss you, if he wants to put you in charge of several things in his life, but suddenly withdraws and makes you feel like a huge pain in the neck when you (want to) ask about who you are to him, what’s really going on, or they go ahead to say you are a friend [and nothing more, in case you didn’t already figure that out], sis, that is not your future husband, snap out of it.

It is not your job to heal a man who has been heartbroken in the past; don’t be the sacrifical lamb for his healing. Consider the other people that seem to be in love with you; don’t tell yourself you are in a love relationship because you are not. This is funny to say though, because you are almost never in love with people who are seriously in love with you- we sometimes choose to act like we are, while hoping that we would come to love them as much as they love us at some point.

If you have been in this kind of situation, in the distant or recent past, don’t expect to stop loving him (or her) “that way” as soon as you choose to; it’s not going to happen. Be prepared to stick with it for as long as it takes. Turn your pain or frustration into art; it always helps. Write, sing, play, make new friends, learn how to play a musical instrument, try new things. Don’t shut your heart to love; if someone isn’t in love with you, if they aren’t interested in loving you like you want to be loved, PLEASE LET SOMEONE ELSE LOVE YOU! Don’t let this experience make you bitter and hard-hearted.

My Chiron and Pallas are conjunct my North Node in the 8th house, if you are into astrology, and it’s my destiny to deal with pain, death, transformation, and rebirth, and be a helper to others in whatever capacity that I choose. You may deal with a depression, or a depression of sorts, while still going about your business as usual, but don’t fight back the tears when you feel them coming, and don’t hesitate to help other people, if you are like me, as it aids your healing.

Also, if it’s your destiny, you’d attract people who are hurt, and whether or not you are completely healed and over it yourself, don’t doubt your ability to make people feel better. Love, when unrequited, is a killer, and it’s up to you to choose to be immortal. Light and love!

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Loyalty is Not “Not Cheating”

loy·al·ty
ˈloiəltē/
noun
  1. the quality of being loyal to someone or something.
    “her loyalty to her husband of 34 years”
    • a strong feeling of support or allegiance.
      plural noun: loyalties
      “fights with in-laws are distressing because they cause divided loyalties

“I pledge to Nigeria my country. To be faithful, loyal…”

I am loyal to Nigeria but I am not in Her. I have not, and will never, renounce Her as my home country, or do anything to hurt Her, but again, I am not in Her. I’m going to use this as an analogy for what I’m about to discuss- the concept of loyalty in relationships.

The term “loyal” or “loyalty” doesn’t really do justice to what people expect in relationships, in the sense that, they expect their partner or significant other to show them firm and constant support- which is as far as the dictionary meaning of “loyalty” goes, but they do not expect that partner to show firm and constant support to anyone else that is marriageable (especially), whether or not the support their partner is offering involves activities that are sexual.

So, even if you feel your* lady is talking too much with a man, or your* man is spending too much time with a woman, whether or not it conflicts with the love that she has for you, how much he cares for you, and how fast her heart beats for you, the term that comes to your mind is “disloyalty”, although it really isn’t, because nothing has changed about how much she or he is dedicated to the relationship that you share.

You can be loyal to a country you don’t live in. You can be loyal to a friend and still have other friends. You wouldn’t chat your friend’s private business to the other friend(s) or leave the first friendship, or withdraw your support, and that would be loyalty.

Family

I don’t know if you’re following me here, but what I’m saying is, there has to be a firmer word, something stricter than “loyalty” or “faithfulness”, because they do not insist that the qualities they contain have to be restricted to one person, and one person alone. 

Even “cheating” is meh, because a love relationship is not a game or an examination. It’s an (ideally) voluntary union of two people. They don’t get marks for it or win medals for it, so even the term “cheating” is “reaching”.

Now, before you think of me as the advocate of everything you detest, I am only stating that the words are not powerful enough to encompass the STRICT BINDING, which would be more accurate, that most people expect in relationships. Even asides religious and cultural expectations, does love come with sole possession? Does “I love you” automatically equal “I love only you” to you? What exactly is it that leads to hurt feelings when a third party is involved? My best guess is that when we get vulnerable, since true love (requited or not) makes us somewhat vulnerable, we want a kind of “ownership”, possession of sorts, to whoever it is we’ve gotten vulnerable with. 

When Death Loves You

She married Death so she would not die.
She gave him her love,
everything she had,
everything she was,
and Death loved her very much,
so much so that he wanted
to please her completely;
he wanted to be with her
for the rest of his death.
So, he let her come first;
he put her on top of his list.

Love is a Butterfly

If you truly love a butterfly,
you ought to let her fly.
She’ll show you her buttery side if you do.
If you open your palm wide enough,
she’ll always perch in it if she wants you.
Don’t break her wings off
because your fears make you want to.
If you squeeze her in,
you would either weaken her
or make her cry,
or make her die,
and at any chance she gets to be free,
she’ll fly far away
and never come back again. 

She Suffers II: “Where are You?”

Tom-Thomson-Woodland-Waterfall-RTT02

“Woodland Waterfall” by Tom Thomson

The man isn’t clingy;
“clingy” is too belittling,
it’s degrading,
too degrading.

He is possessive;
he knows what he wants
and he’ll get and keep it at all costs.
Being possessive is cute.

The woman is possessive?
I think not.
She is clingy,
maybe too clingy.
You can’t own a man;
you have to let him live.
A man is not built to be
with just one woman.

You see, unfortunately,
men can’t be hoes,
but women can.
Being clingy isn’t cute;
it will never be.

Love is a Surprise

Unplanned

Sometimes, you don’t fall in love;
you might be too cautious to.
Sometimes, love falls on you;
unexpectedly, like heavy rain.
It’s destabilizing;
it’s profound.
You can’t climb out of it,
you can’t jump down from it;
you’re free but
you’re stuck in it.
You shiver;
you cry.
There is no shelter;
you can’t make it stop.
💧
You don’t want it to.

I’m Not a Bloody Playtime Pool

Drown

Painted by Brian Kirhagis

You wanted to be let in,
into the flow of my emotions,
into the depths of my feelings.
Why do you want to leave now?
Oh!
You have your life to live now?

I asked if you could swim
and you said “yes”,
you’d do anything to get in.

Is it too cold for you now?
Is my water too dirty for you,
too contaminated for your soul?
Do your lifeguards want you out now?

Were you looking to find fishes in me,
to feed them and keep them for your use?
Are you disappointed that there are none?
Do you wish that I was more salty?
Have you found a different water?

Why don’t you talk to me?
I don’t want you out of me;
your presence satisfies me.
I am so used to you;
I don’t know what to do.

You can’t just make me trust you
and then mess up.
Cum, tears, sweat, blood, pee;
how do I separate all of you from me?

You see, this is the kind of shit that…
*whew!*
…this is the kind of stuff
that gets motherfuckers drowned.
I’m not a bloody playtime pool.

I’m a sea.

-Yemoja 

Dead Love IV

African Woan

She was only married for 5 years,
but she lived with the man
till the day of her death.
First, he was the love of her life,
then he became her man,
then he became her husband,
then he became the father of her children,
then he became the man,
till he was simply a man,
a man that she lived with,
that she had sex with,
that she fed,
that she washed clothes for,
that she went to events with.
A man, and nothing more.

Love Business

High class

“I’ll give him one litre of love
because he only paid for one.”

“I won’t call her today because
she didn’t call me for two days.”

“He didn’t reply in five minutes
so I’ll delay my reply a little.”

They dealt in love,
and Love dealt with them.

Spaces and Phases: Something

“She’s nothing without me.”

You made her “nothing”.
She wasn’t “nothing” before you met her;
you only chose to not see her as something.

At that time,
she found it hard to believe
that she was something herself,
that she still is.
She was very sure sometimes,
and she wasn’t, at other times;
she was so vulnerable.

It was up to you to make her believe
that she was something,
that she had always been something,
but since you wanted to have total control,
you were so afraid that she could realize
she is something with or without you,
and she would leave you someday,
you convinced her that she is something,
but only with you.

You locked her in your arms,
then you locked her in her brain cell.
You didn’t let her become
what she already was- something-
and something more.

You didn’t make her something;
you made her some thing.