Unprogressive: Nigerian Christian Movies

family-television-nick-banks

Family Watching TV – Nick Banks

I, just like several other Nigerians my age, grew up watching Christian movies. Critical-thinking and inquiries that may come off as a rebellion towards traditions are not necessarily welcomed in African societies, and more specifically, Nigerian ones, especially the ones that are religious, so I kept many things to myself. I was a very repressed person until a few years ago when I engaged more actively in analyzing several things that have barely been questioned, although they reek of myopia. The rest they say is history. I am now more willing to address issues without a fear of rejection or rebuke, more free-thinking too, and I am grateful to God for that.

Yes, Christian movies are unprogressive. Before I express why I have stated so, let me say this: please note that this is not an attempt to bash any religion or rubbish anybody’s work in any way. I was a drama minister for a short time and I respect the good morals that Nigerian Christian movies teach. Respect for parents, reverence for God, kindness to others (especially when it is to result in “winning” their souls for Christ, humility, and the importance of obedience are taught, but these movies are not perfect, especially the ones that are evangelism and soul-winning driven. The narratives are often narrow-minded, inconsistent with the times, and unfair to people of a certain gender [there should be very little or no confusion as to which is which if you are familiar with these movies], but that is okay because many religions are laced, if not thoroughly soaked, with misogyny, all under the guise of doing “God’s will” and following His or Her or Their plan, as the case may be.

Religion is the opium of the masses after all. Religions give people reasons to live and guide them through how to, and in most cases, even offer the promise of a better world if one does well in this one, and that’s awesome. The not-very-awesome part of a religion is that it can make multitudes close-minded, stupid, unkind to certain people, discriminatory, and point-blank ignorant. 

First of all, think of the way rape is portrayed in the scene that I’m about to narrate. I will not name any movies throughout this piece except I really have to. Then you can be thoroughly certain that I will list several. A young lady in secondary [or high] school, I’ll call her Lady X, sneaks out to a house party. Her mother is not in the city at the time and she does not know about the party. Lady X meets a few guys and she is drugged. She is carried into one of the rooms and is raped, terribly raped even, as we got to know later. It’s a Christian movie; of course, that part was left to the imagination. A few people visit Lady X and tell her that God can forgive her and restore her back to who she was, put pieces of her “shattered life” back together and heal her. That is very nice. Indeed.

“So, what happened to the rapists?”, you might ask, if you have not been too desensitized against this form of sexual violence. In a very brief scene, police officers arrive at the school to take some students who knew about the party as well as the rapists away. “At least they are going to get some punishment,” you would think. What is the problem here?

When are Christian filmmakers (or those who practice any religion at all, or those who are concerned about morality whatsoever) going to start addressing the fact that rape in and of itself is bad, since the mainstream ones are not doing it? Let’s take it that rape is not too much of a consequence for a person who has snuck out of their home, who has disobeyed their parent, for the purpose of the movie, since realistically, it could happen. Females are being raped by people in their own homes, by their own relatives [heck, by their own uncles and fathers] in Nigeria. These include less-than-ten-year-old girls, children, even babies, who grown-up men should not be attracted to at all, let alone heartless enough to rape or sexually assault in the slightest. Christian movies are not portraying that dressing is not the major factor, as far as rape is concerned- dressing, disobedience or anything else. It’s quite unfortunate that I even need another paragraph to explain this further.

“Dressing well” as a means of avoiding/escaping being raped is quite unfair. In Saudi Arabia, for example, where most of the women are so modest in their dressing, as much as it is pushed under the rug and inaccurately reported on, rape is very prevalent. Rape is entirely the fault of the rapist, entirely. Anything else is just a justification for the wicked act. The marital and statutory rape of females are not being addressed yet in these movies, let alone the sexual abuse of young boys and men, which are happening, as ugly as they are. These things are happening on a daily basis and a blind eye is being turned to them. For how long are we going to wait before Nigerian filmmakers at large properly address it?

So, when I say narrow-minded narratives are being published, and the same matters are being excessively re-addressed and recycled, so much so that most of these movies are flat-out boring, in all sincerity, don’t look at my article funny.

The one that is more or less the ‘cancer’ of things is the distrust that is created among people. Many times, when a woman befriends another woman, and the other one is not married, you can be sure that the non-married [single, previously-married, divorced or widowed] one would try to seduce her friend’s husband. It must be in the Christian-movie constitution. She starts by helping her friend with house-chores and whatnot, especially when the married friend is at her lowest or just very busy, and soon enough, as expected, she bewitches her friend’s husband. It’s a very frequent narrative that is not very healthy.

In addition, hardly do you see men in the kitchen in these movies, except they have done something wrong and they are doing housework as a means of apologizing or fostering reconciliation. “Let me help you with the dishes” as a line from the husband is not a very good line. If the housework have been assigned, and although it is the woman’s turn to sweep the floor, he decides to help, that is fine. If that is not the case, how is it “help”? These narratives are not very good, but they are convenient for a few, very convenient, and so there is little or no change. In most of the movies in which women are given strong roles/presence, they usually end up crying and asking God for forgiveness because they have deserted their families or done something wrong. Hardly do you see a Christian movie in which a female character is presented and maintained till the end. If her daughter does not die as a result of neglect, her husband will run mad. How unfair.

Then this one; a man beats his wife till she’s black and blue after coming home drunk. She reports to the pastor of her church or whatever. He tells her to continue to pray for him or change the way she dresses. Then she starts to cook more (or do something else very lame). One thing leads to the other and the man “gives his life to Christ” or something at the end. God “takes control”. He becomes “a new man”. Ha. The lingo is laughable. Is anyone going to address the fact that domestic violence is not right, in detail? If the mainstream ones will not do it, is anyone going to Biblically or “whatever-on-earth-cally” talk about that mess? No? It’s very pathetic. Wife-battery, rape and other assaults are just casually glossed over. The Christian movies are not standing out in any distinct way, as far as all of these are concerned.

I’m not going to make this an “everything that is wrong with Christian movies” article, although there are a lot of things that I will repress for now. There is one last thing that I want to mention, something that I greatly detest, something that hurts me to the very core, something that makes me wonder if a good number of people who are involved are sociopaths.

Little research is done about people and cultures, and a lot of disrespect becomes the result. False “Nollywood facts” are used in the depictions. A man lives in America and sends money to his mother in Nigeria for the Egungun festival. As the Egungun costume is being flogged by the followers in Nigeria, the son who sent the money feels all the pain in America. Ha! E beru Olorun, eyin filmmakers yii, now! I mean, how desperate can you be for soul-winning? Who has that ever happened to? How dirty are you willing to get to rubbish other people’s beliefs and paths? The Egungun festival may not be Christian, quite alright, but it is not evil in and of itself. False narratives have been pushed since the days of old, “old” being “colonization”, and certain sects have suffered a lot of direct and indirect misrepresentation for refusing to accept that Jesus is the lord of their lives. Se won bi sori meja ni? It is interesting how not being a Christian can make one appear like a lesser being in the eyes of one. I will leave it at that.

In another scene, a challenge-like scenario is created between a priest and a Christian, and you can be sure that the Christian “wins”. Such love! A Babalorisa is depicted as being smitten by God, and in that scene, you see that he is sick to the point of death until he receives Jesus as his lord and saviour. As soon as he does, he becomes whole. He is then made to emphasize the powerlessness of deities and the supremacy of Jesus. I’ve never really understood it, to be honest. I’ve never really understood such wickedness, such violence, such sick ego.

The media is a dangerous tool. The narratives that can be created with it can heal, stabilize or very completely destroy. When you give this tool to unreasonable crusaders who rise by wrongly depicting others, as if to make their propositions better, you give them the power to create death itself. All of it is just as laughable as it is sad.

One thing that I appreciate is the fact that child battery is not often depicted or encouraged, because if it was, it would have been quite unfortunate. If there is anything that I have observed, and I greatly love, it is the fact that children are not beaten black and blue the way they usually are, in reality, especially in working-class settings where there is a lot of survival-based tension and frustration. It would, however, be nice to see movies correcting that, encouraging individuals to teach their children in love, instead of fostering fear in them and growing a new generation of parents who do not know how to engage in a decent two-way communication with their children.

What am I saying in a nutshell is this: there is a lot going on asides the “evil” that non-Christians do. Christian filmmakers, pay attention and keep up with the things that are going on around you.

This is it, for now. I will make a video about this in the future, and I will go into more detail. 

Advertisements

Our Father Who Art in Heaven

babajide-2-e1477470810526

Painted by Babajide Olatunji

You believe that black is beautiful, and that there is nothing substandard about a dark-skinned person in comparison to anyone else, but when you close your eyes to pray to your Father in Heaven [especially in Jesus name] or your Mother in Heaven [what kind of Heaven is it if there is no Mother in it? I’m not interested] you don’t see a man who looks like this, or a woman who has similar-looking skin. 

You either see nothing- everything is just so vague and abstract to you, or you see an old, Arab man, or you see a white man, although the Bible specifically describes Jesus as someone who looks like this. You picture the man who played the role of Jesus in “Passion of the Christ” too- that’s the Jesus you have stuck up there- your lord and saviour. Basically, you never see anyone- not even angels- that look like you, in your mind’s eye. 

However, when you picture the devil, or a demon, you picture someone dressed in black, who has a darker shade of skin, with ugly features, including horns and a tail. The devil, if you were asked to describe them, would be a being who likes to stay in the dark and is dark-skinned [subconsciously, you don’t see a light-skinned person except when you think of them as Lucifer, not Satan].

Do I need to go on? In summary, you are very stupid person, and I don’t mean it as an insult. It’s not a bad thing to be stupid. Remaining to be stupid, however, is the problem. It is very bad.

How to Heal Your Hurt Inner Child

       I was an extremely sensitive child. If you are into astrology, my ascendant is in Pisces, and my Saturn is in Aries, in the first house. I felt everything. I still do feel everything, but I know how to manage my emotions better. Things that children my age were able to brush off and move on from quickly affected me deeply; they stayed in my mind longer than they would in the mind of the average child. I wasn’t really understood either. I am an empath, and not all parents know what to do with one.

         One of the few sentences that I remember my mum always said to me as a child was ‘Rónké̩, o ké̩ra jù, which roughly translates to me being someone who likes to pamper her body and avoid the slightest difficulty. It wasn’t really a compliment, in case you are wondering. My sensitivity to the environment made me a bit withdrawn even till early teenagehood, especially among people who were my own age. I got so devastated many times.

         My sweet mum constantly reported me to Sunday School teachers, and repeatedly called me a “saddist” [I don’t think she knew what it meant; she thought it had something to do with being sad all the time] because I was shy, and I always felt out of place.  Also, I had a lot of low self-esteem issues, especially because it wasn’t that easy for me to express my individuality as it was for other people. There are a lot of retrogrades in my birth chart; a lot of things that need repair and care in this lifetime.

Screen Shot 2018-12-21 at 4.04.27 PMScreen Shot 2018-12-21 at 4.04.12 PM

         Many of us attempt to heal our wounded inner children [who experienced all the chaos and pain, even in settings that others often considered “heavenly”- it has nothing to do with wealth or poverty] by trying to have others heal it for us through love relationships. That’s laughable. It almost never works out. We become possessive, needy, toxic, and out of balance. Love relationships are not avenues for healing heartbreaks and pain. A person should have completed their own healing and attained balance before attempting to unite with someone else romantically, else they’ll be making matters worse. You don’t have to be perfect to love someone, you can’t be perfect anyway, but an imperfect yin and a perfect yang would never form a balanced circle. The other person would get very tired quickly when all they do is take care of your emotional traumas, and they would want a break or a separation at the slightest chance that they get. You would never feel complete on your own (without needing to do this or have that) if these childhood hurts are not properly addressed.

symbol-of-yin-yang-vector-1735171

         So, how do you heal your inner child? Our inner children never die. We grow bigger and learn/experience more things, but who we were when we were 5 or 10 or 15 years old is and will always be a part of us. We may repress all the hurts and disappointments and suffering, but until we properly address them, we will never heal, and not surprisingly, it will affect us for the rest of our lives, consciously or subconsciously.

Heal

REMEMBER

         Think about your childhood. Do this when you are alone and comfortable, at night perhaps, in your bedroom, away from bright lights. Think about everything you can remember. You may listen to this mantra while you do so; I personally enjoy it, and you may too.

         First, think about the good times. The day you were praised for being the best at something. The day your mum surprised you with your first toy car. The day you travelled with your favourite cousin. That sleepover that you enjoyed so much, you practically laughed yourself to sleep, because you were so sleepy, yet, you were having so much fun. Do this for as long as you can. Don’t be distracted by the negative thoughts yet. Go over and over all the good ones.

155

SORT YOUR MEMORIES

         The next step would be to list the things that you can remember from your childhood that really hurt. Don’t dwell on them. That is not the point of this exercise. You may feel the pain, that is expected, but don’t be the pain.  The time you were bullied or made fun of. The time your parents’ marriage came to an end and you were confused. The time your uncle passed away. The time you felt unsafe. The time someone called you a monkey. The time you were not played with because of your tribal marks. The time you were publicly embarrassed. The time your father called you an idiot. The day your mum had an accident. The day you were beaten. The day you felt cheated. It’s okay to cry. Remember, don’t be the pain. Don’t start to build up resentment and hatred. Detach. You may jot these experiences down, but you don’t have to. You may feel the urge to stop this exercise but try not to.

LET GO

         The next step is to consciously let the pain go. Forgive those that you need to forgive, although it may be hard. Let everything that is holding you back and affecting you negatively now, whether you realize it or not, go. You may imagine that your young self is swimming in a lake, away from all the pain. You may visualize that your young self is covered with a bright light, and all the pain is escaping through their forehead. Visualize letting all the pain and hurt and resentment go. Don’t hold on to it. Why do you want to hold on it? What purpose does it/would it serve to you? What gain do you intend to acquire by holding on to resentment, distrust and pain? I understand that it hurts, and it is not so easy, but let it go. Let all of it go.

ADOPT AND HEAL

         When you have done this, visualize holding your young self in your arms or holding their hands, adoring them, acknowledging their pain, feeling everything that they felt. Adopt this young self, this young you, as if they were your child. You know everything that they’ve been through. You know where they lived as a child. You know what happened when they were 6. You know this child better than anyone does and ever will. So, the best and only person that can adopt and heal this child is you. You know about all the love that he never felt, and how hard it was for her. It is now your responsibility to take care of him or her. The big question is: are you going to continue to remind him of all the negative experiences that he had, and all the pain that she has gone through, or are you going to help him or her move on from it and embrace healing and relief? Now that he has been found, and she is before you, what do you intend to do about this child? How do you intend to make it up to him or her? How do you intend to make her feel beautiful, and love her? How do you intend to help him express his artistic abilities and assist her with expressing her passions? How do you intend to give this hurt child a voice? You owe it to him/her; nobody else owes this child anything except you. Nobody. Do you remember the day the day she was ridiculed? How do you intend to honour her and help her heal? How do you intend to make him feel naturally handsome or help her feel appreciated? 

         It is now up to you to make the right decisions, to nurture and honour your inner child. Remember, if you need to discuss with me further or you need a free reading, you can always reach out to me.  Love, light, and healing!

Fighting Our Demons

After+Tarot+Unboxing_Interview+pic+8

We start to fight our demons
when we stop fighting,
suppressing our emotions,
keeping our hurts in.
When we accept transformation,
and release our hearts for mending,
roll with the wheel of fortune,
and open our souls for healing.
When we accept the very truth that
each end is a new begining.

Healing Bound

African Dancer- Ayodeji Ayeola

“African Dancer” by Ayodeji Ayeola

The foot feels the foot
when the foot feels the ground.
Reality sets in;
the pain is profound.
Foot one before foot two
and a quickly twirl around.
Step one and then step two;
healing bound.

Today is Another Day

Grillo

Painted by Yusuf Grillo 

Today is another day;
today is an other day.
Tomorrow will become yesterday,
a brand yesterday,
if you don’t take new steps today.

Take four steps to grow,
take three steps to heal,
take two steps to love,
take a step to part ways
with today’s yesterday.

8 Steps to Moving On from a Union/Relationship

As a clairsentient tarot/oracle card-reader, I have told people to “please move on” from relationships that they needed to leave or accept their end, several times, without actually guiding them through how to. Based on my personal/non-personal experiences, it never works that way. One minute you’re like “yeah, of course, my mama didn’t raise a weakling, plus romantic relationships are for losers”, the next minute you’re listening to “insert heartbreak song”, crying yourself to sleep, if you can gather enough strength to.

Before I go into the 8 steps, as per the title, I came across a Mooji video and I would like to go over the lessons from it with you first:
a. You must not try to catch anyone, you are not a spider. If you are insecure, and you feel unworthy when you are all by yourself—if you don’t feel beautiful/intelligent/amazing until someone tells you you are—a love/romantic relationship is the very last thing you want to be in. Deal with those insecurities first. 
b.  Watch out for a tendency to cling. Relationships don’t work by trying to make them work. There must be freedom in a union; there is no need to “hold”/own anyone.
c. Inner strength, wisdom, and clarity are important qualities for anyone in a union. Without these things, nothing lasts, nothing is fully enjoyed.
d. Relationships are not meant to be secured/kept, they are to be enjoyed. Intension creates tension. When you are empty of any kind of need—to be approved of, to be loved by anyone—you find peace. When you are free/at peace within yourself, everything and everyone wants to be with you. Separate what you (think you) want from what you really need for your own self-development.

e. How much you’ve “invested” or given in a relationship doesn’t matter. It is not an insurance plan. Don’t make it one.

To move on from a relationship that no longer serves you, perhaps, one that never served you, or one that destroyed your self-esteem and hurt you much more than it provided healing and happiness to you, before/after you remove yourself from your head and your emotions, before/after separating yourself from the pain and hurt and removing yourself from the upheaval, these are things that you should consider:

1. Hope [please see the card below]: Be hopeful that there will always be something better- a better feeling, a better experience, true happiness. Trust that God/the universe will always bring what’s yours to you. Whether or not someone “better” than them comes into the picture is not the point; it is not something that you should worry about. Trust that if your heart did not fit in a particular person’s “compartment” (for long/forever), as much as you tried to shove it in, it can fit in someone else’s, and there will be no shoving, covering or “squeezing-in” necessary. However, trust that your heart is okay all by itself, it does not need to fit into anyone or anything to be happy.

Whether it is the affection, the intimacy, the “satisfaction”, or anything else that you found in this person that you doubt if you will find in anyone else, be hopeful that there will be better times ahead when you get yourself out of the rut, get yourself out of your head, and look ahead to what is next- the bigger picture, at your own pace. Be hopeful that what is good for you will be given to you, what you need, what is really valuable, as opposed to what you think you need/can’t do without.

Hope.jpg

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

2. Forgiveness: Forgive yourself. Forgive the other person. Whether you feel/think it was your fault that it ended or it was their fault, accept that everything went on exactly as it was designed to, to teach you the lessons that you need to learn. There was nothing you could have done to change the current outcome. If you slept with them, or felt that you were vulnerable/open/trusting with them (and it hurts your self-pride/ego, in a way, that you were), forgive yourself and forgive them. Free yourself. Don’t hold any resentment in. 

Forgiveness

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

3. Be Proud: A queen! A king! That is what you are, and I’m not saying it because everyone is a queen/king these days. It’s because it is true. Be proud of all that you were, you are, and will be. You are worthy of love and healing, and new, happy beginnings in life. There will only be one of you on this earth, be mindful of what you do to this one you- how you treat him/her, how you treat yourself.

be proud

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

4. Self-Love: Hold yourself. Be proud of yourself. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. The most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. Hold yourself. Appreciate yourself, your strengths and weaknesses. Embrace them all. When you love yourself, you will seek to improve yourself. Isn’t it?

Don’t love yourself for that person, so they would notice that you’re all good without them. You would be doing it all wrong. Improve yourself for you. Forget about them. Seek to know you, to be with you, to be comfortable and happy with you- with your own self.

self love2

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

5. Let Go:
“Will he come back?”
“Will she come back?”
“Will he/she apologize?”
“Will they break up?”
“Will he/she suffer too?”
Oh, no! Your spirit-guides are telling you to let go. If you are hesitant about letting go, because you’ve held on to the pain for a while and you don’t know what you are without it, give it to your guides. They will take care of it for you. Give your worries and desires and all your secret/open wishes to your helpers. Say a prayer about it. They will hold your hurt for you. They will take care of it, and heal it. They never let go.

You, however, need to let go, to let grow, to forgive/forget about all these things that are still holding you back, things that are still making you suffer. If you don’t let go, you will hurt yourself and your current/future relationships. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”- Malachy McCourt (1998).

let go

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

6. Nature: Have you ever taken a sit close to a sea or a river and just felt the serenity and peace? Rinsed your faced after bawling your eyes out, perhaps? Or spent time in a garden of flowers? Or spent time in a nice building with art? Or just stayed outdoors and watched people walk by? Instead of sitting at home, allowing yourself to be miserable, go out. Clear your head. Forget about meeting another person for now, especially if the separation is fresh. This is what people tend to do- look for a replacement very quickly, when a lot of issues need attention/healing. Retreat and find healing first. Now is the time for you, the time for your self-development, the time to go over what you have learnt, the time to enter into a new phase.

nature.jpg

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

7. Have Fun: Yes, I said take some time to be with yourself, to feel nature’s serenity and peace, but you also need to do something fun. You are not alone in this world, in both the spiritual/physical realm. If you have good friends/family members, you can rely on them at this time. However, be mindful of the kind of people that you spend time with, because they could either aid your movement to the right direction/choices or mar it. Cheer up!

have fun

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

8. Strength: I find strength in expressing myself through poetry when I experience confusing/intense feelings. Lately, I’ve been having this intense urge to learn how to draw/paint, although the last time I checked, I couldn’t draw a decent stick figure. Haha! You might find strength in the arts—writing, painting, singing, drawing—in designing, in researching, in whatever, in praying. Do more of these healthy/productive things that make you feel better. Drugs and alcohol will take you down a very dangerous path. You’ve already been through so much, don’t do worse things to yourself in your quest to help/calm yourself. The only way to stop thinking about something is to think about something else. Whether or not this person will return or do anything else should not be any of your business now. Discover your strengths, they help you stay strong in tough times.

Strength

Spirit Messages Daily, John Holland

I give free readings if you want one. If you need to find strength/confide in anyone, I am always here to listen and help. Think about these things that I have mentioned. Love, happiness, peace, and light!

Thing 1 & 2

Osun (Giseli Magalhães)

Osun [Giseli Magalhães]

Thing 1 was not thirsty,
but I offered him a drink.
He drank till my cup was empty
and threw me in me to sink.

I struggled back to shore,
you can bet that I was sore,
but Thing 2 grabbed me by my finger,
and told me his intentions were pure.

The river of love is full again,
the river of love is me,
but Thing 2 is still famished,
’cause my cup was smashed at sea.

So tell me, ìyá mi ‘Kojú,
help me make my strength from you. 
How do you tell yourself that Thing 1
is everything but nothing like Thing 2?

The Lady and the Seer

PicMonkey Collage

A lady went to a seer to talk about the one she loved, whom she wasn’t with anymore. She said to the seer, “I miss him. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if he’s coming back. I’m so depressed, I don’t know what to do with myself.”

The seer said “okay”, and looked away. Of course, that wasn’t a satisfactory response for the lady. 

She said “I miss him” and “I wonder if he’s coming back” again, hoping to get some sympathy, and maybe some insight into what the future held for her.

Then he replied, “I’m sure you do, I’m sure you wonder”.

“Well, do you have any advice for me?”, she said, after two minutes had passed, two heavy minutes that felt like 30.

“I don’t have any”, he said. “You choose to miss him, so allow yourself to miss him. Be true to yourself.” The he adds, “but ask yourself, how long are you going to do this for?”

She broke into tears, and he took a step back. 

“Who is in charge of you?” Who controls what happens up there?”, he asked, pointing to his head. 

“I do”, she replied.

“Who is in charge of your mind, your body, your self? Of course, missing him and letting yourself be miserable is what you’re choosing to do, what do you expect me to do, become you? Do you think I have any power over you? Do you think of yourself as a robot that has to be controlled by someone else to survive/function?”

She stopped crying and wiped her tears.

“If you want to choose to miss him, miss him. If you want to choose to be in denial, and wait for something that isn’t coming, wait. If you want to choose to move on and do something good with yourself, do it. It’s not my business or problem. You’re choosing to do something and asking me to help you stop. Ultimately, you get to choose whether or not you want to suffer, and if suffering is what you have chosen to do for this long, so be it. You’re a wonderful soul; don’t be so dense. Healing is a choice- choose it.”

Chiron-ke

Yusuf Grillo

Painted by Yusuf Grillo

I want love.
I ask for love,
but when Mother Earth offers it to me,
I shake my head from side to side.

You may think of me as a child,
and you may think of me as a pregnant lady,
but I see myself as pregnant,
not as a child who does not
know what they are doing.

I am in pain.
I am pregnant.
I bear and carry my hurt
like an unborn child
in my heart’s womb.

No one can deliver this child;
no one except me.
No one but me
can deliver my self,
but I don’t know how to,
or is it that I don’t want to?

I can’t.  

I’m a pregnant midwife
who delivers people’s pain-children
but walks around with her own
still-born still in her.

No one but me
can deliver my self,
but I don’t know how,
or is it that I don’t want to?

I can’t. 

You may think of me as a child,
and you may think of me as a pregnant lady,
but I’d prefer it if you
do not think of me at all.